when a man loves a woman

I got a little job as a newspaper illustrator.

2012-01-27T00:33:00.004-06:00

This is the image I made for an article about sexual assault going unreported.they rejected it.

2012-01-25T22:56:00.002-06:00

To quell my anxiety induced jaw clenching I used to sleep with a man,
but now I just sleep with a mouth guard.

The apple falls far from the orange tree.

2012-01-23T23:43:00.001-06:00

SO popular

2012-01-22T19:42:00.004-06:00

2012-01-19T14:28:00.001-06:00

2012-01-18T22:21:00.000-06:00

2012-01-17T23:01:00.000-06:00

the artwork of a person in the process of obtaining a masters degree

2012-01-16T22:03:00.002-06:00

2012-01-15T15:35:00.000-06:00

I think we're just going to have to be secretly in love with each other and leave it at that, Richie.

2012-01-12T23:09:00.002-06:00

totally unstable

2012-01-11T22:29:00.001-06:00

2012-01-10T21:41:00.000-06:00

conversation my dad had with my mom

2012-01-09T21:36:00.002-06:00

'come on sweetheart we need to get home by 7. If I'm not home by 7 my pumpkin will turn into a carriage. that's right, I drive a pumpkin.'

2012-01-08T21:32:00.000-06:00

2012-01-05T22:57:00.002-06:00

Tonight I went on a date with a boy that has had Crohn's disease for 8 years. I have had it for 16 so I was not as shy about taking all the lettuce off of my sandwich as he was.
our kids will have crohns - if they make it through my high risk pregnancy.

2012-01-04T21:02:00.000-06:00

2012-01-03T22:08:00.000-06:00

2012-01-02T23:43:00.000-06:00

It's like there's something wrong with me. Socially.

2011-12-31T20:15:00.001-06:00

2011 came straight from hell so there is nothing for 2012 to be except better.

2011-12-29T01:00:00.001-06:00

2011-12-28T11:20:00.004-06:00

bye, helen.

2011-12-27T22:08:00.002-06:00

girls night was spent drinking rum and watching tv on my couch with Jessica while looking up boys on facebook that we think are cute.

Last time I was at the Mutiny it was my 25th birthday and I took a picture with a former Bears player.

2011-12-26T22:25:00.003-06:00

I went back last weekend to retrieve the photograph. More importantly, a girl at the bar kept taunting me and after my turn in our game of Never Have I Ever the bartender yelled "whoa! this game just got dark!'
Don't provoke me, bitch.

merry christmas!

2011-12-25T00:01:00.002-06:00

I'm still really crabby.

in hopes that

2011-12-24T03:44:00.003-06:00

2011-12-23T20:24:00.004-06:00

I need to pick up a few things for my apartment, but this time of year, I wouldn't touch Target with a thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole

2011-12-22T07:43:00.000-06:00

2011-12-21T13:54:00.000-06:00

you be the dad and I'll be the mom and this can be our daughter

Too much candy from Capucha on Vimeo.

horrible night's sleep /possessed

2011-12-20T02:46:00.003-06:00

2011-12-19T00:07:00.001-06:00

vintage versace and current sears

2011-12-18T01:53:00.003-06:00

I was always really good at those memory board games where you had to flip over an image and remember where its matching card was to make a pair. Im realizing that in terms of art practice, my whole life has become a large, distorted version of that game.

2011-12-17T02:48:00.000-06:00

2011-12-16T00:40:00.001-06:00

2011-12-14T22:59:00.000-06:00

2011-12-13T22:59:00.000-06:00

2011-12-12T21:57:00.001-06:00

My hair feels like 100 bucks

2011-12-11T23:28:00.003-06:00

because that's how much I paid to get it cut.I spent last night going from bar to bar making boys touch my hair and telling them thats what $100 feels like. I feel like I shouldn't be let out of the house.

2011-12-09T19:46:00.001-06:00

Who wouldn't want a woman that knows her way around the kitchen AND the garage?

2011-12-08T21:53:00.006-06:00

Tonight, I made bread sticks with cheese on top for one of the many potlucks this season has wrangled me into. After rolling out the dough with a glass because I dont own a rolling pin, I stretched out a tape measure from my toolbox to make sure the pastry was the right size. It was either that or a yard stick and I felt like the tape measure was slightly less ridiculous.

You know how people work hard on making dinner for their families and it seems that they, more than anyone, should sit down and really enjoy indulging in all that they've put together. but they sit down at the table and never touch the food. They stare at you for awhile and then - after things get really awkward and you look back at them with eyes that say 'why the fuck aren't you eating?' - they say something like 'oh no! please! I've been eating while I cooked and I'm so full!'
well tonight my dinner cost me about $7 which is normal. what is not normal is that my dinner only consisted of a block of gruyere cheese.

2011-12-07T20:18:00.000-06:00

I want cm punk to come over and wrestle with me

2011-12-06T23:24:00.001-06:00

2011-12-05T22:53:00.001-06:00

I dont want to jinx anything, but I feel like summer might be officially over.

2011-12-04T23:36:00.000-06:00

old flame REKINDLED!

2011-12-03T21:00:00.008-06:00

jkLast night I ran into some boys I knew in high school, one of whom I went with on my first date ever.

Then I photographed our licenses....maybe.... because we didn't have them back then? I'm not sure.
"what are you going to do with this information?"

2011-12-02T10:49:00.001-06:00

2011-12-01T20:17:00.000-06:00

2011-11-30T23:16:00.000-06:00

I think about you constantly.

2011-11-29T22:20:00.000-06:00

2011-11-28T21:45:00.002-06:00

Saturday night I made out with a boy that had a buzz cut, confirming my suspicion that all boys should have buzz cuts.

2011-11-27T22:46:00.002-06:00

2011-11-26T11:02:00.001-06:00

2011-11-25T08:47:00.001-06:00

it already feels like too many days off

thankstaking

2011-11-24T09:01:00.002-06:00

last night at CVS the manager crept on me as if I was scheming to rob them.
Right. carrying 2 bottles of champagne, 2 jugs of orange juice, a clear airline safe 3oz bottle for liquids (make-shift flask), bobby pins, and buy-one-get-one-free headbands I could sprint out of the store at any moment.

what are the fancy mimosas for?
why, day drinking at the trump tower on thanksgiving with someone else's family, of course.
I needed to come up with something to take the edge off of tonight.
although, eating dinner in my apartment alone with my dad while drinking beers and watching football does actually sound like the best thanksgiving I have ever had in my entire life.

2011-11-23T03:24:00.001-06:00

2011-11-22T07:39:00.001-06:00

I lost my voice

2011-11-21T10:10:00.000-06:00

so I'm trying to talk as much as possible because it sounds awesome.

2011-11-20T16:21:00.001-06:00

2011-11-19T20:57:00.001-06:00

2011-11-18T00:00:00.001-06:00

dope sick girl

2011-11-17T07:14:00.000-06:00

they are quadrupling my meds
to the maximum dose of anti depressants my body weight can dissolve.

yay

2011-11-16T21:34:00.002-06:00

2011-11-15T21:24:00.000-06:00

2011-11-14T22:04:00.000-06:00

2011-11-13T00:51:00.002-06:00

'Also, want to come over sometime to make voodoo dolls? I just think it would be a fun craft project.' 'Yeah totally! Plus I believe in them.'

2011-11-12T09:33:00.001-06:00

This afternoon Sonia is coming over to help me perform a seance on my lamp.I have not lit it since July and we are hoping that I can resume doing so without the urge to take it outside and roll it over with my car.

hey baby

2011-11-11T18:11:00.004-06:00

2011-11-09T11:23:00.001-06:00

2011-11-08T15:10:00.000-06:00

Hey look, I was in the RedEye/Tribune.

2011-11-07T21:28:00.000-06:00

Round up the mimosas, ladies. It's time to forget all of our troubles from the past week.

2011-11-06T14:41:00.009-06:00

After brunch with some bfs I couldn't find my car keys anywhere. As luck would have it, they were right where I left them - in the ignition.

With all the doors locked and the engine still running.

When intense anxiety moves from disorientation to dissociation.

2011-11-05T07:07:00.004-05:00

Last night, after reminding myself that it's not good to get into the habit of taking a nap right after work, I decided to take a nap at 6pm.
I just woke up now and I'm trying to remember what thats called....oh yeah, mono.

Aren't you glad I have a smart phone and can update from the bar?

2011-11-04T00:34:00.007-05:00

when youre a mama and youre rolling that body and have every man in here wishin, do you start to fall forward a little bit and then use the bounce bounce bounce bounce part to regain your balance?

2011-11-02T18:58:00.002-05:00

All day long I wanted to take a nap

2011-11-01T23:10:00.009-05:00

But there's something about counting $3,980 in twenties that will wake you up. Especially when that same dick that brought in 199 twenty dollar bills from an ATM wants to INSIST that it is actually $4,020.
Not $4,000.
$4,020.
Luckily, I still managed to take a four hour nap when I got home.

2011-10-31T07:58:00.001-05:00

2011-10-30T04:43:00.001-05:00

'Want any company tonight?' actual text I just received from 'Aaron Ninja Turtle'

2011-10-29T12:06:00.003-05:00

Six hours later, Sonia ran a 5K
Tonight Sonia is going to be a tree and I am going to be a bird. She said that when she tells people what she's going to be for Halloween they say what the fuck, are you in a Montessori kindergarten class?

2011-10-27T22:48:00.006-05:00

Its a real date. Im dying. He has name dropped his son and keeps talking about breast implants being good for women's self-esteem. The opposite of T is A, right? so I keep talking about how big my ass is to deter him but its not working.

whatever is done in the dark comes out in the light

2011-10-26T21:39:00.000-05:00

2011-10-25T12:39:00.002-05:00

Today I came into work just as my boss was walking out lugging a garbage bag with her office inside of it.
I guess some money was missing from the safe.

2011-10-24T23:07:00.001-05:00

2011-10-23T21:49:00.000-05:00

2011-10-22T09:11:00.001-05:00

2011-10-21T18:04:00.002-05:00

I was asked on what the kids (actual college kids that I work with) are calling a 'pre-date'
I said 'yes' because while two months ago I was one scream away from being placed in a straight jacket, there is a difference between crazy and stupid.

2011-10-20T22:25:00.002-05:00

talking on the phone with my parents is so weird.

The only place to clip it.

2011-10-19T22:11:00.014-05:00

I do run naked. I only wear gym shoes on my elliptical and from there I run straight into the shower. Not because I'm sexy, but because the acne on my body is prominent enough to cast its own shadows. I am going to go ahead and blame that on my Crohn's Disease. Because my colon barely works, my skin probably has to eliminate a lot more toxins than would normally be demanded. Right?
Not because I eat beers and drink mcdonalds.
nope.
I DOn't eat mcdonalds 2 times a day.

I was planning on painting a box yellow and tying it with a string around my head so that I could go to halloween parties as a french fry. That way I could just wear sweat pants. My friends have concluded that I should go as something sexy to halloween and that because I'm single, its a must. I was thinking about going as Stevie Nicks but I don't want to be 'that girl' that leaves the party crying because someone stepped on my floor length crocheted shawl. Plus I'm pretty sure only women see Stevie Nicks as a sex symbol. I know for a fact that today when a Fleetwood Mac song came on my iPod I said, 'oooooh baby' out loud. Speaking of which, if you ever want to not be able to pry guys off of you at the bar, wait for them to say 'baby e.i e.i' (you might have to wait a long time) and then you can say 'oh ooooh.' Followed by something demented like 'I can't stop listening to that song'

Anyways, I have decided to be a prostitute for halloween. I think it's going to be awesome. I just googled pictures of prostitutes and now I think I just want to be the french fry again.

If I do go as a prostitute, I will have 11 days to get in shape. That will require 24 hours x11 of running on my elliptical. But wait, what about that acne we talked about earlier? Did you forget? Was that visual so disturbing you had to block it out of your memory? Well if I'm running a lot to look good in revealing clothes, then consequently, the very skin being revealed will be off-putting. And no one at the party will be drunk enough to blur that vision.

Makeup is sold in a spectrum because skin tones vacillate. If you go all the way to the end of the spectrum you will find my skin tone. There is a shade called 'Nude' which is basically the color of a piece of computer paper. Without even going into how arbitrary it is to name a color after a term that is interchangeable with the variable you are trying to subcategorize, you might assume that this is the lightest color available but you would be wrong. Next to it, or not even sold at your local walgreens OR cvs OR target, but only available online is the color I have to use which is called 'Ivory'
That's right, the color of human bones.
But the color of the skin on your face can be darker than the skin tone of your body. Which is why in the spring of 2003 I had to mix white acrylic paint with 'Ivory' cover up to fool my date, and his 3,000 classmates into thinking that I looked good in my backless prom dress. Is Halloween 2011 worth the fuss of reengineering a color so pale, it is not even marketable? Probably not.
So many reasons to just take a few lavender pills that I bought from the witch at whole foods and float around the night as Stevie Nicks.

But I swear to god, if someone touches one of my shawls there will be no consoling me. Unless I'm the french fry, then everyone is welcome to hug me.
and take me for rides in their car.

2011-10-18T21:30:00.002-05:00

2011-10-17T22:34:00.000-05:00

Robin Hood

2011-10-16T11:43:00.012-05:00

I dont have a ton of hope for the bears game this evening.
But since its not whether you win or lose, its how attractive your coach is, I do have a ton of hope for my own enjoyment of the 2012 White Sox television series.
Hello Robin Ventura. Welcome to the line up of men that I am in love with.

Above you can see Ozzie Guillen standing just in front of where you would expect Ventura to be. The image is a screen shot I took of an astrological alignment of a cataclysmic and transformative event that will occur in 2012.
I didn't just make this up.

2011-10-15T15:02:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I cannot choose between an ax and a baseball bat so I just calm down and let myself imagine both.

2011-10-14T09:12:00.002-05:00

Bending over to pull down a skirt that is too short is a little counterproductive.

2011-10-13T10:25:00.001-05:00

My psychiatrist told me that cutting is 'kinda icky.'
Feels like money well spent.
Tonight is my first 12 step meeting for sexual abuse victims anonymous.
All I really want out of it is to say 'Hi I'm Laura' and have everyone say 'Hi Laura' in unison, but the meeting is 2 hours long so it must be more involved than that.

2011-10-12T06:52:00.000-05:00

Last night at 8pm someone tried to break into my apartment. Despite all the murder mystery shows I consistently torture myself by watching, I still had the brains to head straight for the bathroom and lock myself in there. I crept out to get my cell phone. They were still breaking in so I called the police (after calling some friends that don't live in Illinois). I can add it to the list of 911 calls I have made in my life, all starting with "I don't think this is an emergency but...."

They said the police were on their way so I crept out of the bathroom to grab my purse and locked myself back in the bathroom to put on my makeup because I am my 84 year old grandma. Then I crept back out and waited by the front door with mace. It's a good thing I did put on my makeup and svelte running jacket though, because those cops were HOT. I told them that I live alone and I get scared a lot, but they didn't show any personal interest. One asked for ID and I said "Sure, you can come in, too." but he did not follow me in.

Ironically, when I interviewed to be the nanny at this very house two years ago I distinctly remember saying for no reason 'I don't hesitate to dial 911 or anything'

2011-10-11T12:26:00.001-05:00

2011-10-10T07:16:00.001-05:00

I changed his nickname from big man to hit man so if you find yourself in the same place at the same time you should run. I don't mean just leave quickly, I mean actually run.

2011-10-09T08:04:00.001-05:00

it just looks like I have a pet cat

2011-10-08T07:11:00.001-05:00

you wouldn't believe the things I've done to you in my mind.
not sexually, but with an ax

2011-10-07T06:58:00.002-05:00

2011-10-06T17:30:00.001-05:00

I just pushed someone

2011-10-05T23:44:00.001-05:00

Tonight Annie and I 'drank that beer and belched out society,' as Debbie would say.