Monday, October 31, 2011

Sunday, October 30, 2011

'Want any company tonight?' actual text I just received from 'Aaron Ninja Turtle'

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Six hours later, Sonia ran a 5K
Tonight Sonia is going to be a tree and I am going to be a bird. She said that when she tells people what she's going to be for Halloween they say what the fuck, are you in a Montessori kindergarten class?

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Its a real date. Im dying. He has name dropped his son and keeps talking about breast implants being good for women's self-esteem. The opposite of T is A, right? so I keep talking about how big my ass is to deter him but its not working.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Today I came into work just as my boss was walking out lugging a garbage bag with her office inside of it.
I guess some money was missing from the safe.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Friday, October 21, 2011

I was asked on what the kids (actual college kids that I work with) are calling a 'pre-date'
I said 'yes' because while two months ago I was one scream away from being placed in a straight jacket, there is a difference between crazy and stupid.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

talking on the phone with my parents is so weird.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

The only place to clip it.


I do run naked. I only wear gym shoes on my elliptical and from there I run straight into the shower. Not because I'm sexy, but because the acne on my body is prominent enough to cast its own shadows. I am going to go ahead and blame that on my Crohn's Disease. Because my colon barely works, my skin probably has to eliminate a lot more toxins than would normally be demanded. Right?
Not because I eat beers and drink mcdonalds.
nope.
I DOn't eat mcdonalds 2 times a day.

I was planning on painting a box yellow and tying it with a string around my head so that I could go to halloween parties as a french fry. That way I could just wear sweat pants. My friends have concluded that I should go as something sexy to halloween and that because I'm single, its a must. I was thinking about going as Stevie Nicks but I don't want to be 'that girl' that leaves the party crying because someone stepped on my floor length crocheted shawl. Plus I'm pretty sure only women see Stevie Nicks as a sex symbol. I know for a fact that today when a Fleetwood Mac song came on my iPod I said, 'oooooh baby' out loud. Speaking of which, if you ever want to not be able to pry guys off of you at the bar, wait for them to say 'baby e.i e.i' (you might have to wait a long time) and then you can say 'oh ooooh.' Followed by something demented like 'I can't stop listening to that song'

Anyways, I have decided to be a prostitute for halloween. I think it's going to be awesome. I just googled pictures of prostitutes and now I think I just want to be the french fry again.

If I do go as a prostitute, I will have 11 days to get in shape. That will require 24 hours x11 of running on my elliptical. But wait, what about that acne we talked about earlier? Did you forget? Was that visual so disturbing you had to block it out of your memory? Well if I'm running a lot to look good in revealing clothes, then consequently, the very skin being revealed will be off-putting. And no one at the party will be drunk enough to blur that vision.

Makeup is sold in a spectrum because skin tones vacillate. If you go all the way to the end of the spectrum you will find my skin tone. There is a shade called 'Nude' which is basically the color of a piece of computer paper. Without even going into how arbitrary it is to name a color after a term that is interchangeable with the variable you are trying to subcategorize, you might assume that this is the lightest color available but you would be wrong. Next to it, or not even sold at your local walgreens OR cvs OR target, but only available online is the color I have to use which is called 'Ivory'
That's right, the color of human bones.
But the color of the skin on your face can be darker than the skin tone of your body. Which is why in the spring of 2003 I had to mix white acrylic paint with 'Ivory' cover up to fool my date, and his 3,000 classmates into thinking that I looked good in my backless prom dress. Is Halloween 2011 worth the fuss of reengineering a color so pale, it is not even marketable? Probably not.
So many reasons to just take a few lavender pills that I bought from the witch at whole foods and float around the night as Stevie Nicks.

But I swear to god, if someone touches one of my shawls there will be no consoling me. Unless I'm the french fry, then everyone is welcome to hug me.
and take me for rides in their car.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Monday, October 17, 2011

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Robin Hood

I dont have a ton of hope for the bears game this evening.
But since its not whether you win or lose, its how attractive your coach is, I do have a ton of hope for my own enjoyment of the 2012 White Sox television series.
Hello Robin Ventura. Welcome to the line up of men that I am in love with.

Above you can see Ozzie Guillen standing just in front of where you would expect Ventura to be. The image is a screen shot I took of an astrological alignment of a cataclysmic and transformative event that will occur in 2012.
I didn't just make this up.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Sometimes I cannot choose between an ax and a baseball bat so I just calm down and let myself imagine both.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Bending over to pull down a skirt that is too short is a little counterproductive.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

My psychiatrist told me that cutting is 'kinda icky.'
Feels like money well spent.
Tonight is my first 12 step meeting for sexual abuse victims anonymous.
All I really want out of it is to say 'Hi I'm Laura' and have everyone say 'Hi Laura' in unison, but the meeting is 2 hours long so it must be more involved than that.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Last night at 8pm someone tried to break into my apartment. Despite all the murder mystery shows I consistently torture myself by watching, I still had the brains to head straight for the bathroom and lock myself in there. I crept out to get my cell phone. They were still breaking in so I called the police (after calling some friends that don't live in Illinois). I can add it to the list of 911 calls I have made in my life, all starting with "I don't think this is an emergency but...."

They said the police were on their way so I crept out of the bathroom to grab my purse and locked myself back in the bathroom to put on my makeup because I am my 84 year old grandma. Then I crept back out and waited by the front door with mace. It's a good thing I did put on my makeup and svelte running jacket though, because those cops were HOT. I told them that I live alone and I get scared a lot, but they didn't show any personal interest. One asked for ID and I said "Sure, you can come in, too." but he did not follow me in.

Ironically, when I interviewed to be the nanny at this very house two years ago I distinctly remember saying for no reason 'I don't hesitate to dial 911 or anything'

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Monday, October 10, 2011

I changed his nickname from big man to hit man so if you find yourself in the same place at the same time you should run. I don't mean just leave quickly, I mean actually run.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

it just looks like I have a pet cat

Saturday, October 8, 2011

you wouldn't believe the things I've done to you in my mind.
not sexually, but with an ax

Friday, October 7, 2011

Thursday, October 6, 2011

I just pushed someone

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Tonight Annie and I 'drank that beer and belched out society,' as Debbie would say.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

the only tolerable thing about my job

1% of the time my coworker annoys me and 99% of the time she cracks me up.
Today she told me that she doesn't remember the Challenger explosion because she smoked too much back then but she does remember Tom Hanks making a movie called Apollo 13 where they almost didn't make it back.

We had a student walk in and ask if we know where they sell police hats from the 80s. That is not a tuition question from 2011. She said that the students are acting crazy and that shes going to act crazy with them. She said that if she had gotten that student she would have said hold on, let me get my purse, lets go find one.

Today she was ranting about poisonous melons. 13 deaths have been attributed to this cantaloupe catastrophe and 'millions of little pieces of fruit are out there'
I love hearing her talk about children being butchered on cutting boards in New York city and mentally disabled preteens having their throats cut open with box cutters and how The Temptations is her favorite boy-band.

she makes me lol and then she tells me I have a cute laugh

Monday, October 3, 2011

Thanks for all the good times.

Wish me luck breaking up with my psychiatrist tomorrow. I have to tell her that while she was away on vacation I started seeing her partner and now I would like to leave her for the other woman.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

'were you looking at those birds?'
'yes'
'were you thinking that you can relate to those birds?'
'yes'
'well you're actually the wolf that eats those birds, okay?'
'yeah I know'